In-midst of the coronavirus quarantine, I came to realize that in a way my entire trip was a conscious decision to place myself under a personal lockdown. The main factor being social distancing (yet of course with the exception of here being open to new acquaintances - under normal circumstances -) and the additional aspects of geographical distancing and a work-life break. Let me break it down for you:

Now that the whole world is more or less in recommended or forced quarantine and we strip down the fears around the actual virus and its financial impacts, many experience anxieties about the actual lockdown. I believe this has a lot to do with being forced to face oneself (and each other, in joint households) without the usual distractions in place to break the intensity. We are pushed to ask ourselves what we want to do, eat, feel and be like, as well as what and who we like. What the essential aspects for our survival and wellbeing are. Perhaps even what we want from life, what our purpose is, who we really are. These are big questions. Questions we consciously or unconsciously escape from often times.

It’s easy to get lost in one’s routines, doing the same things with the same people, being engrossed in our familiar habits around nutrition and generally looking after ourselves the way we “have always done”. Meeting friends, entertaining ourselves with concerts, shows, movies and parties. Keeping busy. Some like to knowingly swipe things under the carpet. Deciding to deal with these things, when “the time is right” or “when there is more time” or “when I’m on holiday” (but then traveling to Tenerife to tan on the beach and drink cocktails instead). Others are oblivious to the lurking questions.

I believe we all like to hide behind our rolling life routines to some extent - it’s a pretty normal phenomenon. Who has time for random soul-searching, when the dog just peed on the carpet, the microwave is on fire and you’re late for work? It’s just that now we are locked inside our homes, our regular routines are broken with working remotely, travel & entertainment being banned and socializing outside of the house prohibited - the world is in chaos and we are faced with these pressing questions; big or small. Quite practically we currently also have more time at our hands. It’s pretty difficult to hide now. Having said this, Netflix and social media can be helpful here, though.

This is exactly what I intended to do when I decided to take my time off – deliberately distancing myself from my routines, people and surroundings and having loads of time to get in touch with myself in solitude to start asking myself these questions. And it’s not easy, especially in the beginning; even if I was specifically seeking for solitude and me-time. I think I can relate to how many must feel at the moment, when reflecting how I felt when I started my trip – with the obvious difference that my solitude was by choice.

I believe the pandemic is offering us the possibility to open our eyes to several aspects in life; how we consider and want to develop our relationships to each other, ourselves and our environments. We might as well welcome the quarantine to look into these aspects – starting with oneself is an excellent base to influence all relationships in life; getting to know ourselves better can support us to come out of the lockdown having grown in some direction. Or at least having asked ourselves questions, or identified feelings that have been lurking somewhere in the background.

I’d like to share some resources that I have found helpful during my lockdown:

• I am a monthly subscriber at “To Be Magnetic” (https://tobemagnetic.com/). TMB offers a free self-quarantine tools & support package for anyone, who is seeking for help in feeling grounded both physically and mentally - check out the link on the webpage. TBM also offers another free workshop around finding clarity on what it is we want in our lives. This might be helpful for someone who currently feels a bit lost or doesn’t know where to start the questioning
• I also recommend episode 87, Karen Hurd: Getting perspective on coronavirus on the Expanded podcast (hosted by TBM founder Lacy Phillips), if you’re interested in the science behind the virus and how to fight it at home. The link to the podcast episode can be found on the TBM website, too.

Old pictures I thought you might like

During the lockdown, I have been thinking about the differences of independence, solitude and loneliness and in what ways these aspects intertwine. I created the following metaphoric picture in my mind: Imagine yourself on a hike and reaching a crossroad. Being independent means that you are able to call the shots and decide what path to take without the influence of an external authority; considering what serves yourself, the people around you and the environment best and making a decision based on these considerations. Even if you make the decision of which path to take independently, you can choose to walk the path with someone – a special someone or a group of people. If you, however, choose to walk the path – or part of the path – on your own, you are choosing solitude, which is a neutral state of being. Loneliness is when walking the path – or parts of it – in solitude is associated with feelings of sadness.

I believe solitude scares us, because it can be intense. It also increases the risk of feeling lonely. Perhaps we subconsciously know, that moments of solitude offer the possibility to get to know ourselves better, but we don’t want to go there, as we fear that that might require actions or willingness to change things? Staying put and swiping stuff under the carpet is so comfortable. But growth doesn’t take place in our comfort zones, unfortunately.

Periods of solitude don’t equal a full-time growth experience, just meditating and workshopping frantically in downward dog pose from morning to evening. They can be short moments of asking ourselves questions here or there. Perhaps a walk without headphones. Consciously feeling into our bodies. A meal without Netflix. I believe no one has ever regretted a jiffy of soul-searching. It can also help to identify and tackle fears around health, our loved ones and the finances in these tricky times. The TBM concept has helped me with providing concrete tools of how to question myself; around the very basics of what I want to be a part of my everyday life and how I can put changes into action. How I can recognize my feelings and process them. Helping to feel gratitude for the things and people bringing me joy in life.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying our familiar routines, traveling, going out to have fun, and especially drinking cocktails, but we shouldn’t forget to turn inwards from time to time to gain clarity on how we are actually doing. Now we’ve been offered a good moment for that.

I chose solitude for a part of my path, when embarking on my trip. I felt lost in life and knew that getting in touch with myself required an elimination of distractions around me in order to focus. In my case this need was highlighted, as I am so easily affected by external influences due to my people pleasing tendencies. The noise on the outside outruled my inner voice and made me feel uneasy. I kept myself so busy that dealing with the uneasiness wasn’t an option in midst the day-to-day life. I know that any time I seek company during my path of solitude, I can reach out to my community to share a few kilometers of it.

I have felt lonely twice during my trip so far. Firstly, just when I arrived in Italy last December and was suffering from a sort of “personal lockdown shock” of everything having changed, me being forced to be solely by myself (which I wasn’t used to) and being 100 % independent. The second time I felt lonely for a brief moment was when Italy was placed under COVID-19 quarantine and I momentarily didn’t know where to go or what exactly to do, feeling the panic of the people around me. In those situations I was sad to be on my own and wished I had someone to physically share the experience with. But the moments of loneliness passed and I learned that I am able to trust myself to get through tough times of solitude, too. The modern world’s technology for staying connected with the nearest and dearest has certainly contributed to not feeling lonely more often.

Something I have learned to view differently is the relationship between being independent, but not choosing solitude. This is a hard one for me to figure out, as growing to be independent can support the mentality of “I don’t need anyone to walk this path with me.” This might be true; companionship is not necessary, but can be desirable. In my head independency and solitude often go hand in hand, but I can see now that this doesn’t always has to be the case. As established in one of my previous posts, we humans are social beings, and seeking social connection is something we are programmed to do – in all shapes and formats. Perhaps the magic is walking the path with those companions that don’t limit the feeling of independency when reaching crossroads along our own paths?

In many ways this period of solitude is like going on a long date - but with myself. Going to a nice Italian restaurant. Ordering a bottle of red wine. Asking questions to get to know the person, finding out what they like to do, eat and feel. What makes them feel balanced. What they enjoy, dream of and are afraid of and why. Having a delish meal together and laughing at their hilarious jokes. No bullshit stories, or saying what we think they want to hear, but true answers to real questions. Maybe some answers we didn’t even know were there. Falling in love and learning to care for them.

Stay safe and healthy, everyone!

Bacio 💋 Cass