We all screw up and often unintentionally hurt others. Apologies are significant for relationships and play an important role when it comes to love, parenting, leadership, friendship and anyone really we get in contact with. An apology is immensely important in our language, but is also kind of scary. They say, sorry seems to be the hardest word.  

As an apology is central for communication around love, it can be healing. But it can be misused, misunderstood and left unsaid – in these cases it can compromise or even end relationships and tear us apart inside. I can’t think of many words that hold as much power as an apology. Perhaps forgiveness?

Clinical psychologist Harriet Lerner has studied all about apologizing. Her book “Why Won’t You Apologize” is an interesting read and she is also discussing this topic with Brené Brown in the “Unlocking Us” podcast.

According to Lerner, an apology is a gift to three parties; the receiver, the giver, as well as the relationship. A heart-felt “I’m sorry” can release stuck feelings, validate hurt and build emotional safety from the receiver’s point of view. Even though we don’t like to apologize – because we are afraid to lose control by the other one using the issue against us or to admit that we’re not perfect – apology givers can actually become more respected and grow from the experience. This is because when they decide to apologize for something they’ve done, they need to consider their behaviour objectively, which can lead to more maturity, integrity and eventually happiness. The gift an apology gives a relationship is intimacy, because good relationships rely on the ability to heal disconnection and hurt in a safe environment.

Lerner thinks a bad apology can be more harmful than none at all. These are her nine pro tips for a heart-felt apology:

• never add “but” to your apology – it always cancels out the message. It doesn’t matter if whatever follows “but” is criticism, a justification or an excuse. This, by the way, is the most common mistake when it comes to apologizing
• always focus on your action, not on how it potentially made the other one feel. So instead of “sorry you got offended” or “sorry you’re so sensitive”, apologize for what you actually said or did: “I’m sorry I called you fat”
• do your best to avoid a repeat performance. Your apology has no meaning, if you continue with the hurtful behaviour
• offer restitution or repayment of some sorts. E.g. money or reparation for a broken object, a replacement or rescheduling – whatever fits the situation
• don’t overdo it (ladies, listen up!) Don’t apologize for taking up space or oxygen or jump into the martyr mode. “If you’ve forgotten to return your neighbours tupperware, don’t apologize numerous times as if you’ve run over her kitten.” Also, avoid hijacking others’ pain; when someone shares a hurtful event, don’t get hysterical so that the hurt party ends up apologizing to you
• apologize for your part, even if the other one cannot recognize their part in the situation. A heart-felt apology doesn’t get caught up in who’s to blame or who started it. It’s a recipe for disaster to wait for the other one to apologize first
• never use an apology to silence the other party, e.g. “yes yes I apologize for everything, now let’s go to the gig already”. If it’s an inconvenient time for the discussion, rather suggest for it to be continued at another time
• don’t offer an apology to make yourself feel better, if the hurt party will feel worse. So, if the hurt party does not want to hear from you, don’t stalk them and shove your apology down their throat. Respectful behaviour includes not apologizing, if it’s truly not welcome
• don’t ask for anything in return – not even for forgiveness. An apology needs its time and space, so even asking right after uttering one: “do you forgive me?” cuts the processing time short and is simply not cool. An apology is not a bargaining tool and you shouldn’t try to control its effects

I’ve neglected quite many of the above guidelines in the past and found these tips super useful – I hope they also give you some food for thought.

Pics around Italy from along the way

Having a conversation about something we did wrong is tough, and we tend to get defensive. Lerner says this is low self-worth popping up and that defensive behaviour is the arch enemy of listening. Monica and Michael Berg discuss the same topic in their podcast. They think that we don’t like to admit we made a mistake, because our ego wants to always be right. To achieve this, it creates this scary image around screwing up; that if we admit to it, we identify as bad, shameful, stupid people and so the negative self-talk cycle begins.

But if we think about it, what we simply admit when owning a mistake, is that we are human. We all make mistakes, we all fall. It’s part of the process, part of learning and life. When we know better, we do better, right? If we never admit our mistakes, we will forever hold up our shields and prevent ourselves from growing. Admitting mistakes and apologizing requires being vulnerable, and that if something, is hard. The good news is that it gets easier the more we practice it.

Imagine if every time we admit to having made a mistake and apologize to anyone we hurt, the universe would reward us with a prize; a little golden trophy with “I am human” written on it. We should all work on becoming champion league trophy collectors.

What about the flipside of the coin – forgiveness?

One of the biggest take-aways for me was how to best respond to an apology; turns out we should not only give heart-felt apologies, but also receive them heartfully. Lerner encourages us to always respond to an apology with gratitude. Apparently, when we brush apologies off, we diminish the apology giver’s intention and our own hurt. So instead of going for the automatic: “That’s OK / whatever / next time you could apologize sooner” etc., the apology reaches its full potential when we rather go with: “Thanks, I appreciate your apology.” No add-ons. Naturally, by observing this type of healthy communication, children learn to apologize, too.

When it comes to actually forgiving someone for making a mistake and hurting us, I fully agree with the Bergs who say that forgiveness starts with learning to forgive ourselves. When we really understand that making mistakes is part of being human and have collected some apology trophies ourselves, it becomes easier to forgive others when they apologize to us.  

But what about those apologies that we are waiting for in vain?

Lerner says that apologizing requires a platform of self-worth and that the higher our self-worth, the more willing we are to apologize, speak the truth and eventually grow. When we consider that people with low self-worth define themselves by their mistakes and cannot forgive themselves, it’s understandable that they have a hard time apologizing to others. They see their mistakes as a bigger part of them than being human, and so they carry a lot of shame. The things is; when someone has knowingly hurt you, but is unable to apologize, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you; they just lack the fundamental level of self-worth to apologize. This is really hard for both parties and unfortunately, we can’t give self-worth to others - this can only come from within.

The interesting question is; can we forgive someone who won’t apologize to us? We can, but it’s not easy. Monica Berg likes to quote a line from the movie “The Light Between Oceans”: “To forgive, you only have to do it once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day, all the time.” Clinging to the hurt someone has caused us is like carrying a backpack full of rocks, scissors and other heavy, pointy objects - carrying it is hard work. Unnecessarily hard. Holding on to this anger is like drinking poison, expecting the other person to die, like Buddha wisely said. 

As I wrote in an earlier post, we can choose to trust in the universe always offering us events, situations and people in our favour - even if it’s sometimes hard to see initially. From this point of view, also these non-apologisers can teach us something about ourselves. Of course, any hurtful action is 100 % on the person mistreating us, and we need time to process our hurt. But eventually, there is a way to embrace the situation to contribute to our own well-being, if nothing else. Being able to forgive does take courage, empathy and strength, but will reward you with exchanging that awkward, heavy backpack into one filled with fluffy feathers. Changing backpacks is an act of self-love.

I agree with Monica Berg, who thinks we are sometimes hesitant to forgive, in fear that this signalizes we accept this type of behaviour. But the truth is, we can heartfully forgive and set healthy boundaries: “I forgive you, but I don’t want to stay in touch with you” or “I forgive you, but if this is repeated, I will move to Bali” etc. I also think, that we sometimes don’t want to forgive, because in a funny way we fall in love with our misery, our victimhood. Maybe we think that if we don’t hold on to our resentment – that heavy, but familiar backpack – we don’t know what else to do, whom else to blame for our pain.

Pics around Italy from along the way

I want to share how I recently did both; I apologized to someone and I forgave another person and thus can relate to what I’ve written above. I think I stumbled on this topic, because I had some lessons to learn and realizations to make here.

The possibility to forgive came along, when I participated in a little self-inventory programme (“21 days of Abundance” created by Deepak Chopra – thanks Ella!) and one day we were asked to write a letter of recognition and gratitude to someone who hurt us. I started to write this letter and in the midst of it, realized that I had without being aware of it, forgiven this person. This struck me, because the last time I checked, I was still feeling some level of resentment. Now, there was 0 % of it left in my heart.

It’s reasonable to explain that we’re talking about someone who hurt me deeply and who never apologized for their actions. Back in the days, I carried so much resentment towards them that I would probably have poked them in the eye with a fork, if I would have encountered them on the street. Today, I think I would ask them how they are doing. Writing this letter and feeling the relieve of forgiving was so deliberating that I decided to send them my letter (this wasn’t part of the task). I don’t know if they will ever read it and actually, that feels irrelevant.

I apologized for someone I used to be close with and whom I betrayed a long time ago with dishonest behaviour I am not proud of. Defensiveness and fear used to hold me back – fear of having to admit my shitty behaviour and breaking my protective shield of perfectionism. Having owned this shadow of dishonesty, I was able to get vulnerable and admit my mistake. Again, I don’t know if they will read my message and whether they will forgive me or not - thanks to Harriet Lerner I now know better than to ask for it. Either way, apologizing felt like the right thing to do.

So, on we go towards new apologies and forgiveness. Is there anyone out there that you’re inspired to apologize to, or forgive? My advice is to sit with these situtations and do it – out of love towards yourself. And remember the awards that await you; more golden “I am human” trophies for your collection and a feathery light backpack.

In conclusion, “sorry” really seems to be the hardest word. Or is it rather the word combination of “I forgive you”? Maybe it’s shared first place for both.   

Much love!

Bacio 💋 Cass